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Chuck Norris Wrote Propaganda Songs

14 Aug

Chuck Norris is a wart on the dick of pop culture. First Conan had the Walker, Texas Ranger lever that unleashed bad acting and untold laughs with each pull. Then there were those jokes about him. You know, stuff like: “Chuck Norris walked into an Indian restaurant and skull fucked the chef until someone cooked him a steak.” Chuck Norris kitsch storm! Don’t mess with Texas! OMG, that’s what it says on the shirt you’re wearing!!!

But here’s the thing: Chuck Norris is kind of a dickbag in real life. And he looks like the dad who would drink too much at a block party, bust out an acoustic guitar,  and play out-of-tune Bob Seger songs before falling face down in the grill pit. Whoops! Someone’s mug is going to look like brisket in the morning!

Still ruggedly handsome.

Okay, full disclosure: When I was a kid, I owned a Chuck Norris action figure. Why? Because I was dumb. All kids are dumb. And when I saw Delta Force 2: The Bloodening in the ol’ Hulu queue, I just couldn’t resist the chance to relive my stupid, stupid childhood.

So here’s what some Hollywood dimwit barfed onto paper over two decades ago: A nefarious Colombian drug lord goes on a rampage, murdering villagers and government agents alike. But then God and the ghost of George Washington send Norris into the fray to deliver a hefty dose of badassery. And compassion. Because, you know, it’s not all mixed martial arts and body counts.

Anyway, the drug lord and his henchmen murder Norris’s best friend and there’s a reckoning. A dead reckoning. (GUITAR RIFF!) In the end, the kingpin is caught and his ponytail is chopped off, thus stripping him of his evil powers. Then Norris firebombs a gay dance club and America wins the war on drugs.

U! S! A! — U! S! A!

Also, this movie’s portrayal of America’s criminal justice system is HI-LARIOUS. Indicted for murder and a bevy of other charges? No problem! Some bleeding heart liberal judge will find a loophole so you can continue to walk the streets and murder more people! Well played, Delta Force. Well played. Maybe we ought to have the courts run by a cabal of guys who look like this instead?:

Jaywalking, eh? Bring me my machete and I’ll fix those legs for ya.

In sum, Delta Force 2: DEA Jungle Party provides all the elements expected from an 80s action flick: guns, mustaches, not so thinly veiled jingoism, and more guns. Yes indeed, it’s a failure platter served with a side of hate sauce.

Eat it.

I give it 0 Just Say No t-shirts out of 4.

Endnotes: “Winds of Change,” the song that plays during the credits, was written by Chuck Norris, Ronald Reagan, and the orangutan from that one Clint Eastwood movie. Helluva collaboration.